Annika Wesley

Star Trek: Into Darkness (mild spoilage)

Sun, 19 May 2013 19:34:00 -0700

I thought it was a solid and enjoyable title, with specifics best expressed in bullet form.

Pros:

visually impactful beginning
solid acting/characters
many subtle funny moments
CUMBERBATCH FUCK

Khans:

the inclusion of the Klingons was totally mishandled—if you didn’t know how fucking crazy and powerful the Klingons were then you really had no idea how fucking nuts it was that Cumberbatch soloed ‘em
Spock’s Khan-yell needed a couple more takes
I really hope the phrase “thrown under the bus” isn’t around in the distant future
the pacing was too staccato—it felt like a succession of short scenes tied together, without any particularly powerful drawn out parts
oh my god with the lens flare

Twitch.tv

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 21:26:00 -0700

*exhale*

It’s been a hell of a day. If you aren’t familiar with twitch.tv, it’s a website where you can livestream your gaming, and which others’ livestreams, and I’m on there! Today was not only my first livestream, but it was the most extensive PC gaming I’ve done in over a decade. Until recently, I’ve had Steam pretty much for the sake of it, partially because I’m accustomed to console gaming, but mainly because my MacBooks have not been up to gaming. But now I have a shiny PC, and intend to make up for lost time.

From what I’d read it’s necessary to be patient as a new twitch.tv user, as viewers and followers can start at barely a trickle. Indeed, there was not much action to speak of as I played Bastion for several hours. So I had lunch, regrouped, did some much-needed yoga, and decided to switch to Don’t Starve, in the hopes that the newness of the title would draw a few viewers. Indeed, many people ended up on my feed, and people even started chatting.

As I chatted (first through text, then, after encouragement, through the mic) and struggled to run from spiders while keeping the fire stoked, my brain started to melt. At the beginning of my broadcast I could glance over at the video and make sure I was looking presentable and wasn’t out of frame, but that went completely out the window as I endeavored to be entertaining, or at least worth watching. It is not easy to maintain conversation while efficiently playing a game. In fact, it’s fucking difficult! Of course, it was more difficult on account of my setup, which will surely be streamlined over time, but still, splitting your attention and maintaining high standards within each activity is a big ask. By the end my eyes were watering, my brain was fried, and it had gotten dark without me even realizing.

So yes, I could certainly have it much worse than playing video games for hours on end, and goodness knows I’m not complaining, but it’s still extremely taxing, and I do take it as seriously as I would any other job.

If you do feel inclined to check me out on twitch.tv I will be very grateful for your patronage.

yogaglo, and the continued evolution of my yoga practice

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 14:24:00 -0800

It’s been thirteen days since I started using Yogaglo (encouraged and facilitated by my dear friend Kestrel), and as I told her on that first day, it was a turning point in my practice. Since then I’ve been doing two Yogaglo routines a day, (one in the morning and one after my daily ~3mile walk) and never repeating the same class, save one or two exceptions.

From the first day on my body and mind has felt completely differently. The newfound variety has literally and metaphorically turned my practice on its head.

Of the twenty-two teachers featured on Yogaglo I’ve taken classes from four of them. The sheer number and variety of classes ensures that you can find a teacher or style that you connect with.

Jason Crandell, by far, is my favorite. He’s gentle, informative, descriptive, his classes are impeccably composed, and most importantly, they’re extremely accessible.

Before Yogaglo it could occasionally be pretty difficult to drag myself to the mat. My flexibility, strength, and mind had plateaued. I still enjoyed my practice and found it valuable, but I was always relieved to check it off my to-do list. Now, however, my body and mind crave yoga. When I’m not doing yoga I’m thinking about how goddamn good it would feel if I were.

I completely can relate to not being able to justify the eighteen dollar monthly fee. If you’re in that position but are still interested in adjusting, altering, and invigorating your home practice, they do have a fifteen day free trial. If all you can do is find a fifteen day period where you have the time to watch as many videos and absorb as much knowledge as you can, it will *absolutely* have a large and positive impact. I’ve only been using Yogaglo for thirteen days, but they have been atypically productive and invaluable, and will elevate all my subsequent days.

Side Effects (absolutely riddled with spoilers)

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 22:39:03 -0800

In what world is finding out that a person understands how seat belts and airbags work EVER epiphanic? Hold on you guys, something’s fishy—this bitch knew that airbags and seat belts protect you in collisions.

- her airbag would have deployed had her seat belt not been on—that was never a fatal scenario, seat belt or no

- my mind doesn’t hesitate to accept that a person in an unknown state of mental distress would have their seat belt on before driving into a wall

- why oh why did they have to reinforce the point with a seat belt/airbag video being shown in her office—as if one has to be exposed to that in order to know how goddamn seat belts and airbags work

Additionally, Rooney’s character is too smart to have responded to his inquisitions as she did. She’d have mentioned that she read the “poisonous fog bank” line in a book, and that it stuck with her. And she’d never have made up a person at work in the first place. I can’t accept that this clever, criminally-minded woman doesn’t comprehend the basics of lying.

Rooney Mara is such a fine actor, and everyone else’s performances were solid, and the film was shot so well, but the story let everything down so severely.

Sure, it’s interesting that one sympathizes with the villains up to the end (assuming it wasn’t just me who wanted Rooney to get away with it … ), but that’s not a satisfying viewing experience, and the writing and plot wasn’t nearly clever enough to pull it off. The film robotically explains itself not once, but twice. By then it just feels cumbersome and heavy-handed.

It should have just been a Bound-esque thriller where Rooney and Catherine end up getting away with everything and then live their sexy wicked lives, happily together. That wouldn’t have been any more predictable than what ended up happening.

Also, my husband will be very happy to know that if I ever receive photos of him in a public place with a woman and then random pictures of her nude - lingerie bag or no - I’ll be inclined to believe someone is fucking with us.

At least there’ll always be the super nifty trailer.

Heckler (2007)

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 16:05:00 -0800

Heckler is a very interesting film, not for its content, but for the pretense of it being a documentary about comedians and hecklers. It is, in fact, an attempt to delegitimize film critics, and the opinions of anyone else who doesn’t like bad movies (especially Jamie Kennedy movies).

The first bit of the film is indeed about hecklers. A wide range of comedians are interviewed and share their experiences with being heckled. Most comedians interviewed are smart and professional about it. Of course, there’s one comedian who handles a poor crowd reaction by emphatically professing his wish that the audience gets cancer and dies; it is of note that this comedian was not remotely amusing to begin with.

The film then moves completely off the subject of hecklers, and sets its sights on film critics (which are absolutely not the same thing). Jamie Kennedy confronts several people who have written negative reviews on his work. I’m not sure what his intent was with these confrontations, but they made him look really unprofessional and pathetic. I get that bad reviews can hurt - putting something you’ve created out into the world is an act of bravery - but you won’t grow as a creator, nor gain respect or sympathy, by whining about people not liking your creations. Some of the professionals touch on this point by explaining that they learn and grow by being receptive to constructive criticism.

At one point some random guy tries to make a point about criticism having no perspective by quoting from a review for Piglet’s Big Movie that called the film juvenile; his point was that of course the film was juvenile, as it was for kids. This is so far from the mark that it’s bothered me ever since, as it presupposes that children’s films must be juvenile and cannot be smart, multilayered, and appeal to humans of all ages, like The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.

They then go on to not only write off professional critiques/bloggers, but anyone with an opinion. One guy’s (paraphrased) sample response to a laymen’s critique of their work is, “Well what films have you written and directed? None? Yeah I thought so. Fuck off.” Creating a film is not a prerequisite to judging a film. It is a prerequisite to being aware of the difficulties and challenges of making a film, but how difficult something is and how successful something is are completely different. If I carved a marble statue and it turned out shitty I could profess that it’s an incredibly difficult task, however, if something sucks it sucks.

Sure, it’s not fair to compare No Country For Old Men with Malibu’s Most Wanted, but that’s not the point, because on its own, Malibu’s Most Wanted is not funny or well executed. Comedies can be plenty goofy, silly, stupid, unbelievable, etc., and still be really good solid movies in their own right.

I’m extremely curious to know the reactions of some of the people that were interviewed for this movie, as they were essentially used as a front for Jamie Kennedy to whine. I can’t imagine Patton Oswalt watching Heckler and thinking, “I’m really happy they used my interview footage, as I stand firmly behind this film and its message.”

Ultimately I don’t care how good or bad a person is at making films or putting together a stand-up act, but to write off any and all negative feedback that comes your way is unprofessional, juvenile, and only hurts yourself.

The Hobbit

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 12:12:00 -0800

All I can think about is how Peter Jackson has the final cut of The Hobbit II all ready to go. How many people will see An Unexpected Journey, only to depart this world before The Desolation of Smaug is released next year? Hundreds, thousands, millions? All being denied the cinematic closure that can only come with seeing a series to completion.

Also, I’m not a fan of the contrived plot devices employed to add gravity to a series that is certainly adequately compelling without embellishment.

And now we know you can’t make a movie with a buttload of dwarves without many of them looking costumey, and one who straight up just looks like a man to the point where it’s distracting.

Then there’s those goddamn nifty eagles. How many jams have the eagles gotten everyone out of? Why couldn’t Gandalf just pop Frodo on an eagle in the very first movie, send that baby down to Mount Doom (waaay before Sauron or Saruman had the wherewithal to prepare their forces, and before they were expecting basically anything), throw the ring from whence it came, and bango—we’re done, with zero casualties or destroyed psyches.

FOOTAGE: "HARDEST BUTTON TO BUTTON" LIVE IN SCOTLAND!

Sat, 10 Nov 2012 09:19:32 -0800

darujones:

Jack White & The Buzzards live @ Usher Hall in Edinburgh, Scotland 11.8.12 http://bit.ly/SWUj3E

Daru Jones’s drums on this song (in particular) changed my damn life.

peer review: my conflicting viewpoints

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 20:47:00 -0800

I spent the majority of my childhood reading Archie comics and eating pretzels. One particular story that was impactful on me involved Ms. Grundy grading Betty’s writing more harshly than everyone else’s. Betty was confused and hurt, until Ms. Grundy explained that Betty had great potential as a writer, and so she took particular interest in helping Betty learn and grow. Betty did indeed learn from Ms. Grundy’s exacting standards, and as time went on Betty’s papers had fewer and fewer red marks.

I never sought much in the way of feedback from others; if I could stand to read what I’d written after a week or so, I counted the piece a success. (There’s pretty much only one story that I wrote before the age of 21 that I haven’t deleted. My post-21 era has seen more success, but nothing truly substantial.) At 16 I was working at a video store with my best friend - at the time we both endeavored to write as much as possible - and the subject of peer review came up. At the time I believe my stance was more or less, I don’t like it. As it turned out, his boyfriend who was a writer agreed with my sentiment, as he felt peer review would only lead to the degradation of your own voice and vision. I took to that idea very strongly.

I don’t mean I’m against sharing one’s work, or even against being receptive to criticism. It’s more about sticking to your guns, following your vision, and doing what feels right to you.

But then I think back to a short story I edited for one of my husband’s friends. I have a save file with fifteen or so excerpts from the story because it was so painfully, hilariously bad. My job was not to tell him that; I simply corrected his spelling/grammar (though I did point out some choice sentences that begged revision). Would he benefit from someone tearing his story to shreds, or should he just keep writing his way? Is it just that there’s a fine line between taking in someone’s opinion and trying to be a better version of yourself, and not trusting yourself and trying to be something you’re not?

Assassin's Creed III

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 18:38:00 -0700

Disclaimer: I’ve not played any of the Assassin’s Creed games, but I have watched my husband play all of them, with the exception of the premier installment.

I had very high hopes for Assassin’s Creed III after watching the trailer, which implied a strong story, awesome combat (tomahawk!), and improved stealth mechanics. After two nights, my husband got up to Sequence 5, and I think the game is hugely disappointing. It’s entirely possible that it gets better, but how much of a success can a game really be when you have to drudge through 4+ hours to get to the good stuff?

Right off the bat the way they introduced and revisited the story felt very clunky; were I knew to the franchise I wouldn’t give two sods about any of the characters or what the hell was going on. And a massive pet peeve of mine is when video games have you walk ten feet in between cutscenes—there’s just no point to it. Oh, and neither of us remember when Desmond’s dad came around, so it must have been great. I do wish my face had been recorded while Ben Franklin was doling out his super misogynistic wisdom, as I could feel my face reflecting my disgust. While it’s cool that the Natives speak an accurate language, the way it’s executed is extremely detrimental to the flow of the game—it just starts to feel like the Suntory commercial shoot from Lost in Translation.

I could keep ragging on the story (dull, poorly paced, bleh dialogue), but the gameplay is a killer too. Allegedly they improved the mechanics so you don’t arbitrarily leap in random directions, often unintentionally jumping off of things. Turns out, nope. Had they actually improved that, tree climbing might actually be awesome instead of a sick joke. And while it’s nice that you can hide in the bushes, it looks ridiculous crouching in some sparse leaves wearing a bright red coat, and not being spotted by the guy who’s an inch away. And of course, if you want to sneak from one bush to another you’re SOL, and instead you awkwardly stand up to move to another bush. It also seems much more difficult to figure out where/when to go in order to remain undetected; David didn’t have much trouble with that in the previous titles, but in AC3 he’s led many a slow-speed trudge through deep snow.

The combat is much less accessible to casual gamers, as now you don’t regenerate health until encounters have completed. I understand the appeal of making games challenging, what I don’t understand is not giving gamers difficulty options, so casual players don’t ragequit.

Then there’s the hunting, which is fine, but really not for me. Considering I was at the end of my rope by the time it came around, it was very much the nail in the coffin.

To be updated in the event that the game does indeed get better.

indomitable will: Women in Refrigerators: 13 years later - Part Two

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 08:46:35 -0700

indomitable will: Women in Refrigerators: 13 years later - Part Two:

georgethecat:

(Trigger warning: this post contains discussion of rape, sexual assault, sexual violence against women) ALSO - updated thanks to northstarfan and arseniclace

One of the questions the Carnival asked of comic focused bloggers was ‘why is this the Women in…

I don’t typically post content on this blog that I haven’t personally generated, but this required an exception.

My Adventures in Composting

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 16:57:00 -0700

I’ve been composting at home on our balcony for about 4 months now. One day I decided I could no longer bear to put our food scraps in the garbage, so I read up on composting in small spaces and dragged my husband to Home Depot for supplies. Being relatively lazy, I nixed vermiculture (worm composting) or any setup that involved drilling holes, and opted to try two galvanized steel tubs, ten quarts each. They were ten dollars each, and I also purchased a bag of soil and compost starter. So, the startup cost was quite minimal, particularly compared to pricy tumblers or electric models.

I started with an empty bucket and would alternate layers, adding soil, starter, then scraps (chopped into very small pieces), which I would top with shredded paper/cardboard, mist with water, then repeat. Every other day I would put the lid on the bucket and shake it up. The tub filled up crazy fast, so I started with the next bucket.

At first it was really tricky to get the balance right, so there were issues with fruit flies. When the fruit flies showed up I added more shredded paper and soil. I eventually stopped misting the soil, and it’s made a huge difference—the flies are completely gone.

By now both of the pails are full. I’m not adding any more soil, starter, or shredded paper; I add scraps to one pail for a couple weeks, then switch to the other. I also don’t shake the bins, as they’re rather cumbersome; now I just use a shovel to thoroughly turn the soil.

In the beginning I was worried that I would be producing more compost than I could reasonably use or give away, but I’ve yet to use more than a scoop or two of it for my lemon tree. In fact, I no longer have the intention of yielding compost, and am happy just facilitating the decomposition of all our scraps—drastically reducing our garbage output. As decomposition bins go, mine are a huge success. The scraps decompose within days, there is absolutely no smell, no flies, and the bins don’t take up much space at all.

Scraps I add:

- all fruit/vegetable scraps, except citrus

- dead leaves from my other plants

- tea bags, including the paper at the end of the string (no staples or strings, of course)

- coffee grounds (we have a machine that uses capsules, so I take the used grounds out of the capsules, then rinse and recycle the capsules)

For me, composting is extremely rewarding and requires very little effort. It’s just a matter of finding out what works for you, and adjusting your compost until it balances.

The Couple Who Plays Together

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 11:37:00 -0700

I am so very sick of hearing about girlfriends/wives interfering with their bf/husband’s videogaming.* Either your lady is simply a whiny and needy person, in which case, have fun with that, or you’re not taking responsibility for how you prioritize and communicate.

If you’re interested in problem-solving, rather than resigning to mutual frustration and non-fulfillment, you likely have two options:

1.) Treat your lady well so she doesn’t feel neglected when you are gaming.

2.) Try to include her in your gaming.

I’m quite partial to the latter, so I’ll start with that.

The stereotype that females don’t play video games is as inaccurate as it is offensive (funny thing about stereotypes … ); some women have zero interest in video games, yes, but so do some men. In some cases, people aren’t interested in video games because they haven’t found one that appeals to them. There’s a whole world of gateway games out there, and if you get them into Eternal Sonata or Professor Layton it’s much easier to get them to try Left 4 Dead. If you don’t know their taste then ask some questions and show some interest—that alone is a meaningful gesture.

Possibly the best way to start their journey is with a co-op game. Hopefully your beloved is willing to at least try playing with you; remember to be supportive and encouraging, not whiny or demanding. Don’t make it a competition, unless that’s fun for her. Definitely don’t belittle or patronize her for her inexperience, just help her if she asks for it. There’s no shame in playing on Easy; it’s just a matter of playing for the experience, not the challenge.

Hopefully you find some fun games to play together, and if you pick some of the more well-written titles maybe she won’t mind watching you play them. Or if she takes to DS games she could do that while you tear it up with your Xbox Live party. In any case, make sure to show gratitude for her efforts. Worst case: she doesn’t get into video games but you put forth effort into sharing an interest and becoming closer. Best case: you two can now have loads of fun gaming your butts off.

Gateway Games

Rock Band
Castle Crashers
Peggle
Eternal Sonata
any Mario title
Professor Layton
Phoenix Wright
any Lego game
any Spyro game (I favor Year of the Dragon)
Scott Pilgrim
Donkey Kong (I favor DK3, though all are available to download for the Wii—not sure about the Wii U)
Final Fantasy VII or maybe XIII-2
Portal 2
Stacking
Costume Quest
Cooking Mama
Fable II
Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix
Beyond Good and Evil
Limbo
Chrono Cross or Chrono Trigger
Civilization V

There are so many Nintendo games that are fun/cute as opposed to gritty/challenging. Hell, I want a Wii just to play DK3 and Harvey Birdman.

And If They’re Up For It

Borderlands
Gears of War 3
Bioshock (my all-time favorite video game)
Left 4 Dead
Alice: Madness Returns
Guild Wars 2

Whether she becomes interested in gaming or not, there are times when you’ll want to play a single-player title or do some multiplayer with your friends, and she may feel left out. Take the initiative to think of something special you can do together at a later time. For example, “tonight I’m going to play Xbox with my friends, but tomorrow I’m taking you out to lunch and then [I’m trying to think of what stereotypical couples do together and I’m drawing a blank, but whatever you guys enjoy together, do that].” Or when you’re playing take two seconds while the map is loading to smile at her or kiss or something. You shouldn’t be denied something you enjoy, even if it does exclude her, so if you communicate that to her, and then both acknowledge and address the exclusion, she then has no legitimate reason to be whiny. (Unless you’re playing video games on your anniversary or her birthday or something, in which case, set a damn calendar reminder.)

It’s really not that complicated, and it doesn’t just apply to this specific situation.

*Obviously this is not exclusive to same-sex couples, but for the sake of this stereotype, I shall address it thusly.

The glass shelves are rattling, though they haven’t made a peep in months. Every few paces I...

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 14:51:29 -0700

The glass shelves are rattling, though they haven’t made a peep in months. Every few paces I find a speck underfoot, though I’ve vacuumed and mopped thoroughly. And still, every few paces I feel an offending particle with my bare foot, which I then discard with the rubbish. It’s making me feel like I’m a ghost, or a prisoner in a dream, or an alternate dimension. It’s as though the crumbs are my only clue to an abnormality in my state of being.

Finally. Ours.

Sun, 09 Sep 2012 18:03:11 -0700

Finally. Ours.

In all my life only one person has ever related to me that a poem has reminded them of me. Of all...

Sat, 01 Sep 2012 08:33:00 -0700

In all my life only one person has ever related to me that a poem has reminded them of me. Of all the people I have known, this person I have never understood, and always been fascinated by. It was love at first sight, in a way; I can vividly remember when I first saw her, and was instantly captivated, as though she’d taken a piece of me right there and then. The notion that she has ever thought of me, ever put herself out for me, absolutely boggles my mind. We don’t have many memories together, but I have cemented each and every one in my mind with absolute clarity.

Nature rarer uses yellow

Than another hue;

Saves she all of that for sunsets,—

Prodigal of blue,

Spending scarlet like a woman,

Yellow she affords

Only scantly and selectly,

Like a lover’s words.

- Emily Dickinson

Fifty Shades

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 10:54:00 -0700

My biggest problem with Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t the book itself at all, it’s with the way the book has been received by our culture.

Erotica is a very personal and subjective thing; I don’t want to judge anyone for not needing beautiful prose, authentic scenarios, or even respectable or believable characters. It’s completely possible to appreciate quality literature and get hot and bothered by smut that sounds like it was written by a grade-schooler. Similarly, it’s completely reasonable to have rape fantasies while not actually having any desire to get raped. We don’t control what turns us on.

What I can’t stand, in this capacity or any other, is not recognizing things for what they are. If you get turned on by an abusive fucked-up billionaire giving the business to an idiot girl who is pure as the driven snow, what the fuck do I care? But for women to put this sleazer on a pedestal as the modern day Rhett Butler is an entirely different matter.

Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey have so much in common. They’re both reinforcing the idea that women should stand by their abusers, as long as they’re dark and sexy and mysterious. Stick it out ladies, because even though the men won’t really change, it’s our proper place to tend to them and facilitate their needs above all else.

I don’t care if you jack it to Patrick Bateman (he was a hardbody, after all), but don’t act like he never put a rat inside a woman’s vagina.

Prometheus (spoilers)

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 08:10:00 -0700

My expectations for Prometheus were markedly low. (I am aware I sound like a broken record of low expectations.) Still, as the vodka coursed through my veins and the opening scenes washed over me it seemed that I was in for a pleasant surprise. The first fiveish minutes are gorgeous and moody, and the special effects are beautifully executed. I was wrong, but at least now I know if I ever want to make my film look awesome I just need to shoot in Iceland.

I am fully aware that idiocy is a universal trait, and even the brightest minds can fall victim to it. That being said, these characters are too fucking stupid to be real. If I’m on a project that costs bajillions and involves years in stasis to travel to an unknown planet, I’m pretty sure I’d stick to a “better safe than sorry” plan of action. Instead, these people spurn every precaution and seem to be recklessness personified. “Because the writers said so” just isn’t a legitimate reason to accept the decisions these characters make.

Michael Fassbender delivered a solid performance, and the scene with his finger and the glass of water played out lovely. The opening scenes with him dyeing his hair and emulating Lawrence of Arabia were subtle and adorable. Charlize was fine, if a bit one-dimensional and ultimately pointless. Idris was solid and beautiful and had some nice dialogue. The film would have been a lot better if you’d seen them sexin’. Noomi Rapace I just cannot get behind. She leaves me completely cold, and what she had to work with was a joke anyway. (For anyone who’s seen the amazing UK show Grandma’s House, she kept reminding me of Simon’s Aunt Liz, particularly toward the end when she was frantic and her hair was a mess; taking her seriously was entirely impossible after that mental connection was formed.)

I don’t care how high-tech the machine is that cuts open your abdomen and staples it shut, you’re not going to be able to function normally post-op, let alone run around for an extended period of time without your gaping wound opening up.

And then when they let that infected guy into the ship even though he’s not responding on his communicator and is curled up in an insane pretzel? By that point they’re aware some crazy and dangerous shit is going on, and there’s no human in any world, in any future, that would be so flippant as to open their ship to a crew member who was thought to be dead and is acting super creepy.

By the end it’s all fallen flat. They could have had a profound moment between the Architect and Noomi, but instead he just chases her for a bit and is killed by her alien baby that everyone knew wasn’t really dead. Bleh.

Then of course, there are these:

The Best Cooking Show You Can't Watch*

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 20:55:00 -0700

*unless you live in Australia

I’ve been obsessed with cooking shows for as long as I can remember. As a young girl, it was pretty much either cartoons or cooking shows. Anything on Food Network would do, really; I just love watching food being made. (Though these days you couldn’t pay me to watch Paula Deen or Anne Burrell.) I’ve been a vegetarian most of my life, and am now predominately vegan, but I still love watching all dishes being prepared; some of my happiest days were spent watching barbecue competitions.

I never got into reality tv, it just filled me with rage, but the increase in cooking programs was a dream come true. Top Chef was a delight, despite the blatant reality tv casting, drama, and editing; Tom Colicchio’s insistence that it all came down to the food did seem accurate for the most part. The downside of that, of course, is that sometimes total assholes would win, and kind, sane people would be eliminated. Such is life, but the show was never about the cooking—it was about the drama that happened while cooking.

I’d occasionally watch Hell’s Kitchen, but that was pretty hard to take because not only was the ratio of drama to cooking roughly 99:1, but the contestants all seemed like they could be out-cooked by an infant.

Then, one night in 2011, my husband downloaded an episode of MasterChef Australia, and my life was never the same.

It was towards the end of the third season, and the first episode I saw was a Master Class. I was thoroughly confounded, as I’d never seen a competitive cooking show where the hosts/judges give cooking lessons to the contestants. The next episode was back to the competition, but they actually show them cooking, and for the most part when the contestants were being interviewed it was also about the cooking. Not a single person tried to fuck with someone else, or said unkind words about anyone else. In fact, every single person was categorically supportive and helpful toward the people they were trying to beat. And goodness gracious, these home cooks performed at such a high level. They honestly have more talent than any contestant of Hell’s Kitchen has in their toenail trimmings. These were decent, extremely talented humans—I’ve never seen another reality program that didn’t make me loathe humankind.

It didn’t take long to fall in love with the judges, either. Gary, George, and Matt are so adorable and charming it’s ridiculous. I mean, get out of town:

They grow to care about the contestants, and it’s really rewarding and touching to see. This show is about making people’s food dreams come true, and they are dedicated to facilitating the process.

The icing on the cake is the length of the series; 70 hour-long episodes. And the eliminations? They aren’t just willy-nilly. If you lose in a challenge you aren’t eliminated, you go to an elimination round, so you have a chance to redeem yourself. (In the first two seasons there were some elimination rounds where you could get eliminated for dumb reasons like missing an ingredient in a taste test, but now if you go out, you go out cooking.) No turning on your teammates, no petty voting (except for one episode in season one—they saw how icky it was and ditched that method), it’s all about the food, for real. They have such respect for each and every ingredient, from a leaf of basil to a cow tongue. They have an entire Master Class dedicated to how to treat seafood humanely. It’s clear the food culture in Australia is the polar opposite of America’s.

And it’s not just Master Chef Australia! There’s Master Chef All-Stars which just started, but more importantly, JUNIOR MASTERCHEF! A gaggle of adorable Aussie kids with serious talent, in a completely supportive and nurturing atmosphere. The judges treat the kids with respect, and are there to help them succeed. The kids aren’t singled out, they’re eliminated in groups, and every single kid who was eliminated was ultimately positive and happy and unreservedly encouraging towards the kids who were still in the running. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen, and almost every episode gave me chills and made me cry happy tears.

I’m not saying Australians are kinder and less petty than Americans (though I probably could), but it really says something positive about their culture that their MasterChef is all about cooking and features deserving, respectable people. The level of talent in MasterChef US is significantly lower, and focuses on drama and pettiness.

MasterChef Australia is easily one of my favorite shows of all time, not just among cooking shows. It makes me so happy whenever it’s on, and whenever I’m in a bad mood it’s one of my go-tos for comfort and cheer (along with a sandwich). Buuuuuuuut, you can’t watch it! It’s not on any cable channel available here, and even though they have episodes up on their website, you can’t watch them in this region. I would GLADLY pay money for MasterChef Australia, but it’s not an option. To watch it here, one must turn to piracy. I really hope that I’m wrong, and some kind soul informs me of a squeaky clean way to watch MasterChef Australia in the states. Until then, I will do what I must to have this amazing program in my life. And besides:

Idris Elba. Bond.

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 09:06:27 -0700

For over a year now there’s been buzz about Idris Elba as the next James Bond. In other words, I’m really late to the party. I was aware of the buzz well before I was sold on it, but since I realized how perfect it would be I’ve formed a very strong emotional connection to the idea, and really can’t get it out of my head.

I think the first thing I saw him in was Thor, which I didn’t like for a variety of reasons (except for Tom Motherfucking Hiddleston). I couldn’t get behind him as Heimdall—they just made him the stereotypical magic black man. I was aware he was striking and handsome, but that was it.

Then it all changed.

The Wire is an incredible show, and he is incredible in it. Incredible. Somewhere around season two I binged on Luther. Holy fuck. Not a flawless program, but again, he is incredible. He is such a chameleon that I would completely believe that Stringer Bell and Luther were played by different actors. His transformative powers affected me like no other actor’s have.

So, a strong, strapping, handsome middle-aged (ahem, sexy-aged) brit, who is also a phenomenal actor? JAMES BOND.

The Dark Knight Sucks a Fuck (spoilers)

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 14:30:00 -0700

I really did think I would like it, despite myself. Anne Hathaway would never do as Catwoman, and the way they outfitted her was just as bad, but in my heart of hearts, how could Nolan disappoint? Surely at the very least Tom Hardy would use his mind-boggling heft to single-handedly lift the film to success.

It still hurts to think about, let alone try to put into words; I can’t imagine I’ll be particularly eloquent or coherent, but it must get out.

The first thing I posted after storming out of the theatre was, “That was an absolute travesty. In my mind, liking Batman and liking The Dark Knight Rises are mutually exclusive. Fuck.” After a couple weeks of pondering, I stand by that assessment. The first two films were not without flaw, but they completely captured the spirit of Batman. The characters in The Dark Knight Rises shared little with the characters on which they were based, save for their names. Catwoman was a one-dimensional caricature; Batman was soulless and pathetic; Talia was a predictable joke; Bane was uninspired, and sounded like he was being voiced by Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter; Robin was … fuck Robin. This was not Batman.

With all that aside, one would think it would still have a solid script and compelling action. No, and no. The dialogue was predictable, overly-simplistic, and ultimately boring. The action was bleh. The action in the other films was so visceral, magnificently brutal, and beautiful. Look at Tom Hardy’s body in this movie—LOOK AT IT—this should have had the best action of all three films. There was one part that lasted about a second that really did it for me: towards the end when Batman and Bane are fighting, Bane freaks out and punches Batman super fast. That was awesome. Then the next second it got back to sucking. (Oh, I did love seeing Aidan Gillen and Robert Wisdom from The Wire.)

Ultimately, the overall flow was horrible; everything was disjointed and drawn out. Very quickly it became a chore to watch. It was void of any dynamism, suspense, excitement, beauty, humanity, or intellect.

And then there are various atrocious plot points:

- Bane gets killed in an enormously unsatisfying manner. Catwoman’s “redemption” didn’t carry any significance, because her character was all wrong anyway, so aligning that with Bane’s demise was just dull.

- That shit with the little kid being Bane, then Bane being Ra’s Al Ghul’s kid, then it being Talia … It was really predictable, but more importantly who fucking cares by the end of it?

- Tell me again why Robin deserves to take over as Batman? Because he’s an orphan too? ‘Cause he’s such a “hothead”? No, I bet it’s because he’s 5’9” and super hefty. Either that or his ability to throw a tantrum on a bridge.

- The Breaking of Batman is such a major element of the Batman canon. I would have bet my bottom dollar that the way Nolan executed that scene would take my breath away and leave me with goosebumps; it was so underwhelming it made my heart hurt.

- Was I supposed to care about Matthew Modine’s character dying with his fancy gloves on?

- Bane absolutely handed Batman his ass—it was no contest. Then he comes back and uses the bullshit lessons he learned in that dumb pit to step up his game? Not buying it.

- Everything with Catwoman was so empty and disappointing, and those fucking heels were a joke.

- Wordlessly acknowledging the man who basically raised you, whose heart you broke time after time, who thought you were dead … Yeah, that’s not sweet or wistful.

I don’t believe I will ever see this movie again. As far as I’m concerned, Christopher Nolan made two Batman movies.